villanelle: a love story

a love story  

Wish me into the afterglow
where it’s lights are burning everything down.
I’ll hum a tune below,

A place where the lively night lays low
And the stars dance so clear in this night of June.
Wish me into the afterglow.

You never let the rush of my tears overflow
or at least, never too soon.
I’ll hum a tune below.

The luster of innocence whispers hello,
Your shirt stained with spritz of my signature perfume.
Wish me into the afterglow,

As the flicker of our youth let's go
unrequited if we chose these costumes
I’ll hum a tune below.

We were pirates in a row
The wind knocked out a steady tune.
Wish me into the afterglow
And I’ll hum a tune below.

Comments

  1. Marcela HomsanyFebruary 21, 2022 at 5:40 PM

    I am very unsure of this poem so be brutally honest please and thank you

    ReplyDelete
  2. Rina ShamilovFebruary 21, 2022 at 6:19 PM

    i love the imagery of this poem. there are some grammar errors with it's instead of its and parents instead of parents'. also, the second stanza does the reverse rhyme scheme of what you had previously done, which was a bit confusing.
    "wish me into the afterglow" is one of my favorite lines. it puts me in the montage of euphoria where rue and jules are sprawled across different color and light schemes as they welcome new adventures together.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Enya SmilovicFebruary 24, 2022 at 11:23 AM

    Please don't be unsure this is a work of villanelle art!! I love your repeating line choices and how smoothly they flow into every stanza. The afterglow makes me think of the after life which is full of mystery and unknown. I felt like a young teenager breaking all the rules while singing and smiling. The imagery here is so powerful I felt like I was in your poem. I also love the rhyme with hello and afterglow in the fourth stanza, just a fun little rhyme. Great job please be sure because it's amazing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Professor MillerFebruary 24, 2022 at 7:23 PM

      I absolutely love your enthusiasm and passion. These are priceless gifts, and your comments have been substantial and engaged, and I know others are really appreciating your work. That said, it's OK to be unsure about a poem! I have never met a poet who loved every single poem she wrote. I know I certainly still feel unsure about most of my poems, and personally, I am completely fine with that!

      Delete
  4. Professor MillerFebruary 24, 2022 at 7:43 PM

    Nice first draft of this villanelle! This is a good start for you, but it needs work, if only to better fit with the form. Either that, or you could try another, but I do think think this one has a lot of potential.

    For it to be recognized as a villanelle, though, it needs to follow the same rhyme patter for all of the first five stanzas. Simply put, the rhyme pattern of all of the three lines stanzas that follow (tercets) should be the same as your first stanza.

    Currently, only stanza three does that. The others have the same two sounds, but they are in different orders.

    The order of the rhymes should be the same for all: an "oon" sound, followed by an "Oh" sound, followed by another "oon" sound ("oom" is close enough in my book). This pattern is scanned as ABA. All of the tercets follow this ABA, while the final stanza (quatrain) follows ABAA, where the "A"s represent the "oon" sounds and the "B" is an "Oh" sound.

    The other thing is your refrains. You are very close with the second refrain ("I’ll hum a tune"), but your first refrain is supposed to be the same as your very first line. This means your first line should be "Wish me into the afterglow." But then you need to change the rhymes. I hope you don't mind, but I took your poem and edited it into a villanelle for you as an example of the form. Here you go:

    Wish me into the afterglow
    where it’s lights are burning everything down.
    I’ll hum a tune below,

    A place where the lively night lays low
    And the stars dance so clear in this night of June.
    Wish me into the afterglow.

    You never let the rush of my tears overflow
    or at least, never too soon.
    I’ll hum a tune below.

    The luster of innocence whispers hello,
    Your shirt stained with spritz of my signature perfume.
    Wish me into the afterglow,

    As the flicker of our youth let's go
    unrequited if we chose these costumes
    I’ll hum a tune below.

    We were pirates in a row
    The wind knocked out a steady tune.
    Wish me into the afterglow
    And I’ll hum a tune below.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Marcela HomsanyFebruary 25, 2022 at 7:02 AM

      I like your edited version a lot better. I hope you dont mind me copy and pasting it in substitute of what I already have. Thank you so much for your guidance.

      Delete

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